Feeling It.

I am having some thoughts about work. Normally I wouldn't write about something so personal on the blog but I hope to get some feedback. All is welcome.
My job is stressful! VERY stressful. I carry a caseload of about 60 clients in a CDT (high level of care than a typical outpatient program) whom I am supposed to provide primary therapy to and I am the coordinator of the young adult program. Two jobs in and of themselve. I run 8 groups a week and have to do a single note on each of the participants. It's a lot of paperwork and I am sorry to say that it involves having to do work at home in order to put a dent in it at all. We are going to be adding another program onto the young adult program which involves more work during the week. It is not a user friendly system. I don't feel like I am providing good services to my clients. I am actually providing them a dis-service.
I have really taken notice lately of the result this workload has on me. Not to get too much into detail but it is affecting me physically. Not in good ways obviously. I am shorter tempered, less rested and not really able to truly enjoy some things that typically I am able to enjoy. I think I realized it this past weekend.
We went to Matt's high school reunion, which involved a Friday night event and a Saturday night event. Needless to say I found on Thursday night that we were going (I love my hubby...really I do!) and that annoyed me but I found it hard to even motivate myself to get excited about going. Once I was there I was okay. When I have the opportunity to do something for myself, I have a hard time figuring out what to do. That is not typical me.
I guess I do back to the old saying of this is what I chose. BUT do I have to stay? Can I change my fate? Can I choose to change the level of stress that a job produces...sometimes. I can try to manage it but with my personality, I try too hard to manage it and almost make myself nuts. I don't know. I'm not sure what my whole point is in this but I think I am sadly disappointed that I have found myself back in a place that I tried very hard to get away from in terms of job demands.
Now that I have Ella in my life, as the light of my life, I have a new awareness of myself and the things I choose. As, hopefully, most moms know, you aren't making decisions for yourself anymore. There is a whole other person that every decision affects. Well, mostly every decision.
I'm such an overthinker. Anyone have a corona?